Student Loans

Currently there are a bunch of fresh-faced kids out there roughly my age and if you are anything like me you don’t have a penny to your name and you have these horrifying things called student loans looming over your head. Not only are they looming but they come with threats.

Desperate Loans Entrance/ Exit Counseling
  1. If you default on your student loans Desperate Loans have the right to claim your first-born son.
  2. In the event you cannot make a payment if you notify Desperate Loans within 30 days only your 5th metacarpal will be forcibly removed.
  3. If you move be sure to notify Desperate Loans. If you don’t Desperate Loans will continually call your last known location and harass your family or whoever is unfortunate to live in your apartment after you.

No matter what loans you take via the government (in the United States anyways) you are asked for your nearest relatives and their locations so they can track you down when you do the inevitable and default on your loans. In addition to that, you are required to sell your soul and make payments of large increments until you die. Thankfully as a student or ex-student you do have some options.

  • Pay off your loans. It doesn’t sound glamorous but paying off your student loans for the next thirty years while your body slowly turns necrotic and amniotic fluid becomes poison is an option. Remember, most countries around the world are in debt, why shouldn’t you be?

  • Don’t pay off your loans. Go on the lamb baby! I’ve got a network set up! Put a rutabaga in your front window we’ll be coming for you in the morning. How do you feel about going off the grid and moving to Guam?

  • Get someone else to pay off you loans. Okay, it is just an idea. No one is going to pay off my loans for me, but maybe you are sassy with a devil-may-care attitude and can attract the sort of individual that would want to pay of your student loans it could be a valid option.

  • Become a professional student. Stay in school forever! Associates, Bachelors, screw those! You are going to get a P.H.D. no matter how long it takes.
“If you are a student you’ve graduated during a wonderful time in America’s history. Jobs are plentiful! So using your degree to obtain a profession in your field should be easy. Making those student loan payments shouldn’t be difficult at all. Remember you’ve got an edge over high school graduates; you have a degree from accredited university! “

Student loans are awful but it could be worse. Just remember to keep your chin up and look lively! Get a job as soon as possibly no matter where it is (or don’t quit your current position until you find a new one). Don’t look for your ideal career. Accept anything with a steady paycheck. In thirty years you will have paid everything off…maybe. Unless, that is of course you’ve got that rutabaga in your window…then you are just going to need 2 changes of clothes, a sleeping bag, and a roll of toilet paper.

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